Day 4 - January 4, 2010

Small steps, 'Cause I don't know where I'm goin'. - Small Steps by Louis Sachar

I know I'm on my way, but darned if I know where. That's why I'm going to take it small step by small step. Doing so will allow me to avoid pitfalls and change direction, helping ensure that I wind up exactly where I want to be.

First of all.. I don't know exactly where I want to be. So small steps would definitely be good for me. I think it would be extra important to take small steps if you don't know where you're going. For example, walking in the dark? Small steps would definitely be beneficial. That can be taken literally just as easily as it can be taken figuratively.

This "Today I Will" does not really seem to even be a "Today I Will." But it does make me think of that Jordin Sparks song, "One Step At A Time." According to Ms. Sparks, both learning to fly and falling in love are things you should take one step at a time.

The book does say that if you don't know where you're going, "it's important to admit it to yourself and act accordingly." Well. I've admitted it, clearly. As seen above. To act accordingly? It could be to figure out where I'm going. But I don't think I'm ready for that. So my acting accordingly will not include figuring everything out. I don't feel that I have to right now.

I'm going to take a minute to say that I did complete the task for yesterday. Not in the exact way I had planned to, but I did do it. And it wasn't terrible. The world didn't come crashing down around me, my eyes didn't fall out, I didn't cry, etc. etc.. And today I ran into the person I talked to, and it was completely unawkward. Which made me feel like a grown-up. And sorta like he's one too. Even though he's totally not.

I guess since I didn't have much to say about the book tonight, I will mention what I did instead of focusing on the task that wasn't a task. I slept in late, helped a lady look for her lost kitty, went to Kanpai with my bestie Amanda and talked about the Japanese boys sitting across from us, went to Priscilla's and Did You Hear About The Morgans? with Josh, drove around with Josh, went to hotels with Josh to look at license plates (YAY Ontario!), tapped on boys' windows, actually went inside to be with the boys, chilled for much too long, and finally got home.

I feel like that list is specific without actually saying anything.. Which doesn't thrill me. But I've just been unthrilled in another way, so I'm slightly upset. (Words with "un" at the beginning that don't actually exist.. do now.) Because I really hate to be called racist. First of all, I'm not. Second of all, people are racist to/at me much more than I would EVER be. But why would anyone assume that I would ever be prejudiced against? Because I'm white. Well! Here is a news flash: It happens. It makes me upset enough to cry when I talk about what happened to me, so I really don't appreciate it when people think they can just call me racist and get away with it. I say that like I have a rebuttal, or a counter-attack. When we all know I won't do anything. I'm too nice, for one thing. For another, it would be way counter-productive. In so many ways.

I don't even want to mention that. But it just happened so I'm kind of upset about it. I feel like they were serious, too. Which really upsets me. I would think someone who was a friend would know that about me. Maybe I overestimated our relationship. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it either way. I may not know where I'm going, but I know who I am, what I am and what I'm not.

I'm now going to take small steps to bed. Good night.